Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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