mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
