For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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