On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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