oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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