haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
