wrigley field is MILF paradise
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
