i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
