Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
