I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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