I'm gonna have a badass scar
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
