I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
