just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
