my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
