Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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