Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
