You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
