Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
