if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
