and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
