I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
