I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
