Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
