I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
