Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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