It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
