This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
