watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
