We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
