Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
