he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
