You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
