there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
