She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
