i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
