Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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