Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
