He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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