I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
