Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I am one with the molecules
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
