The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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