when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Randomize
