I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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