Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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