i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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