OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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