Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my phone needs a breathalizer
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
