I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
