if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
