I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
